Monday, August 27, 2007

Astrological Nuisance

In continuation from my previous post where I had gone home for the weekend...

But anyway, this isnt about my deep rooted lack of self esteem. Its more of an observation on culture at large. Because on this trip home, I met, for the first time, with a sooth-sayer. Ya, ok, so he's an astrologer, but isnt that what they all are? Nostradamuses who foretell your personal future with just date of birth and time of birth as inputs. Oracles who move around some little shells over a square board, placing them at random and then listing out what u can and cannot achieve in your lifetime. The same people who sent those 300 horome crazies from Sparta with wash-board abs to their doom... Or the weird looking guy who sent Bill and Ted on their excellent adventure (but ofcourse, he was from the future). For me, he was a rather paunchy 50 year old with black wire-frame glasses and some sandal-wood paste smeared on his forehead. He also was a certified astrologer - A certificate from the All India Astrologers association was prominently displayed on the wall behind his desk. It showed that he had passed the astrology exam in flying colors. I wondered about the exam. I wondred if he probably had foreseen the questions beforehand, or maybe the examiner had given him a blank paper and asked him to write down the questions which they wanted to ask!!
Anyway, My visit was pretty much just a courtesy because my parents had got some work done by the guy and wanted me to settle accounts. But the dude was so wound up, that the moment he got me, he.. 'unleashed hell' - to quote maximus. The offensive was pretty strong and it lasted about 2 hours during which he sought to shake me up.. metaphysically speaking. He fired off 'to do' lists like an assault rifle at 500 rounds per minute. He rambled on about life and its meaning and how people ought to live it. He talked about everything under the sun. About prayer, and visiting temples and understanding god. To top it all, he also gave me free sex advice. "Dont watch porn", he said. "That's not real." (You got that right buddy...). "Nobody can be that big", he said. "At least not in India." (Really? That sure is informative!) "Dont do it from behind." What??? Hang on dude... That sure is like the most irrelevant and so-not-what-I-want-hear advise ever. All I am currently aiming not to be, is that 40 yr old virgin type. So right now, my only area of interest is in getting some. Period. Once I am over that hurdle, I'll worry about my technique... Wat the hell?
There were many other myraid points which he made after that but I was lost in the thought that this was taking too long and there were other relatives I needed to impress with my lack of social skills! I think he noticed when my eyes glazed over, after about an hour of me not listening, and quickly wound up the session. He also gave me some quickies about what phase of life I was in currently, and how the alignment of the stars was ruining my social scene. I nodded wisely deep in the thought that, finally he was right. You know its hopeless when the entire universe is conspiring against you...
After this, he took the money and let me leave. Phew.. that was something I dont want to go through again.


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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

did he really say this or did u imagine? I like the part about the exams though

Anand said...

u think i like the shock value of making a 50 yr old, hair excessively dyed black but dripping oil, paunchy, spectacle wearing, highly educated astrologer who looked like the very epitome of modesty and virtue, look like a kinky old man??? well, it does make for interesting reading... but sometimes the truth is just as strange as fiction...