Oil n Gold : How the Mallu story does unfold

It seems the world is headed for a recession. The International Monetary Fund said so. And they did research to prove it. OH GREAT! Just when I was settling in, had invested a little money in the stock market and started to follow the indexes, it crashes. Ofcourse, until now, I didn't have any savings to make investments. As usual, I never win.

Ofcourse, at times like this, we should look to the good book to guide us. And in this case, the book has something that's the most hard hitting and relevant right on its back cover. It says … Dont Panic!

…Atleast not yet, I guess. But take your money out of the stock market, and put it in gold. As a mallu, I've seen the voracious appetite for gold that's prevalent in Kerala, but I never understood it. Maybe it has to do with the fact that most of the gold in India is found in the south… em…. 99% of it according to this article in the Hindu. (There's something I didn't know before). Or maybe its because, Kerala's got more women than men. Luckily gangsta rap isn't very hip in Kerala, otherwise we'd have more teenagers into bling! That'd have helped the gold industry… infact they shud probably consider creating a new segment than always harping on weddings and overachieving women.

Anyways… Now, it seems the average malayalee is much smarter than everybody else. We've been hoarding gold since god knows when. Atlast, we'll have our due… when the world collapses under the legacy of the imperialistic and war mongering dollar, the leftist state of kerala will snicker in satisfaction at having held on to their Marxian ideologies…

But wait a sec… So far this ideological state survived because the main ambition of every slightly smart and industrious mallu was to transport his heavily coconut-oiled self to the 'gelf', the oil-enriched big dollar ticket to offset lower earning potential in Kerala. By struggling, bribing and sometimes actually smuggling, he manages to reach the Promised Land and leave God's own country behind. He toils hard, and harbors dreams of accumulating wealth so that his brethren back in Kerala can…em… hoard more gold… Ofcourse with the descent of the dollar, the exchange rate is slowly becoming unfavorable. This has resulted in the inflow of NRI rupees becoming a trickle, and mallus being forced to re-assess their gulf strategy.

Oh how the gold rolex-ed, gold chain-ed, ray ban-ed, 'tang & nido laden' mighty have fallen…

Yet, malayalees are very good self-preservationists… they'll find their way back! I shud know, after all I am one… at heart atleast…

Quote of the day!

Living in a vacuum sucks.
- Adrienne E. Gusoff

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Why men drop while women shop!

(continuing the thread on shopping...)
Considering my continual attempts to shop and having to visit multiple shops before I can get anything, I am a very experienced shopper and make for good shopping company. I cant buy anything anyway, so its always about the other person. But mainly, its because I've been house trained as shopping company since my childhood. Coming from a family, that had two women, and a father, I was usually... no, no make that, always... the male member who got to accompany the women on their shopping expeditions. As everybody knows, women are the true shopping exponents. They can spend oodles of time, running from shop to shop in search of the elusive color/design/price point. My mom and my sister encompass my true experience of the shopping domain. My mom used to be a pretty nifty shopper, and she would buy only what she really liked. Most people can be swayed into buying stuff based on suggestion and repeated exclamations of the awesomeness of the said product. But not my mom. She only bought what she really liked. My dad, on the other hand, found that, having an obedient son is an easy way to avoid the tedium of waiting for my mom to find something. So, shopping usually involved my mom and me getting dropped to a shopping area by my dad and then getting picked up after we’re done. It also saved my dad from getting rejected in his expert advise in buying stuff. Coz, like I said, my mom only buys what she likes.
Then there’s my sister. For her, shopping for clothes is like being in the army. Not in the formal, stark, starched uniform kind of way. But in the never-say-die, single minded focus and determination sort of way. Yes, my sister can claim to have scaled many peaks of endurance and staked claim to them. Most people would shrivel up and die by the time she finds something she likes. Most people I know have a breaking point. Between having to wear out a pair of jeans to tatters and having to buy a new one that’s not ‘THE ONE’, people would probably select the latter. Not my sister. There have been times, when I’ve been humbled by the enormous patience and restraint with which she shops. The last elusive search for a pair of jeans which met with my sister’s approval took about 6 months and a gajillion shops in 2 countries! But yes, now the world is at peace again. Until, the next time!
(In case u didnt get it, the title was supposed to be a play on the books by Allan & Barbara Pease, the ones that try to figure out men and women. They're really good, BTW)

Apparel shopping for the horizontally challenged!

After repeated vain attempts at trying to buy clothes of my size in most retail establishments, I have become a very discerning shopper. I usually window shop and if I really like something, I have a covert process of size identification. I start with a study of the lay of the shop. With some casual glances, I can make out whether the store is truly customer friendly or is just out to make money.

One of the best ways to figure that out, is to see if sizes about 40 waist size are available. You see, capitalistic money minded business types will figure out the fact it is a waste of shelf space to place clothes of large sizes. The general trend I guess, is to figure out a bell curve of the demand of the sizes and then cut off the upper and lower ends, so as to maintain a constant demand
across SKUs. Bleeding buggers. Bleeding money minded buggers.

The good stores, the ones that feel they need to cater to all sizes of human beings and doesn’t discriminate against the lesser than Adonis shaped are to be praised, even if they might take a hit on inventory especially for the large sizes.

So, an initial analysis of the shop usually turns up the following info. Usually, they place pieces in ascending order of sizes. So, looking from the bottom up usually provides the best way to figure out the size availablilty. But it can also be possible for larger sizes not to be placed in the main rack as their demand is less. So, then I casually enquire about the available sizes to the nearest sales guy, making it appear like, its more out of curiosity than a immediate desire to buy it.

Another way of figuring out a good shop is the way the sales guys respond to you. In the Penny Pinchers United places, you can be sure that they would size u up and not waste too much time with you. But in the All Are Welcome establishments, the salespeople are more genuinely friendly and helping.

Then again even within the friendly and helping type of salespeople, there are different categories of helpful staff. Take two examples.

Me: (holding onto a amazing looking and rather largish pair of cargoes) So, these look like a new style for x brand, right? Are these comfortable?
Dull salesguy: Yes, sir. Very nice, very comfortable. John Abraham looked awesome in this in Goal. You want to try it on?
Me:(thinking) Goal? There are other people who were unfortunate enough to see that sad movie?
Me:(out loud) Oh no.. no.. I am just looking. So is this available in all sizes?
DS:all the way upto 36 sir.
Me:(thinking) All the way? What does he mean all the way when that’s just like 3 sizes? Its not even interesting. Boring cargoes.. who wears them anyway?
Me:(out loud) oh! Wow! I’ll come back later. Thanks

On the other hand, a smarter salesguy might be a little bit more enterprising

Me: (desperately wishing this pair of amazing trousers would fit) What all sizes do u have of these trousers?
Smarter sales guy: Sir, these don’t have extra large sizes. What we can do, is take thelargest size, and increase the width by about two inches. Why don’t u try this on, and see how much difference is there?
Me: heh,..heh… no, no I am just browsing. Maybe I’ll come back later. But how much is it?
SSG: Only the cost of an arm and a leg.
Me: Only? Wow! Let me try it on then!
Me: (struggling to fit into it inside the fitting room) Damn this infernal metabolism. I wish I was like those guys who eat everything and don’t gain weight….
Me: (outside the fitting room) No, this doesn’t feel correct. Also, I bought two pants last week. I was just trying it out. Thanks, man!
SSG: Sir, we can increase the width if u want.
Me: No, No.. its not that. I didn’t like the fit at all…
SSG: Ok sir… we also have some track pants which are very elastic if u like.
Me: (Thinking) Next he’ll be telling me he’s got good maternity wear....

And after all this, the joy of actually being able to get a piece that fits in really amazing. Of course the joy is usually short lived and the remaining desperate times of unavailability are usually characterized by a desire to just get stuff stiched!

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Right back at ya, US

Who are the real illegal immigrants in US? :-)

He he he

Some years ago...
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho!
Woman: Awww...its Santa! So sweet...

Now in Australia....
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho!
Woman: How dare u! ~one tight slap~

Even Santa's got to be Politically Correct (PC) this year, atleast in Australia. He cant use the word 'Ho' as a greeting any more. Why? Coz, in the crazy mixed up world which is ruled by whatever happens in the US of A, Ho is slang for a prostitute... and u don't want Santa pointing his finger at a girl and going Ho Ho Ho, do u? That too, at a little girl at an impressionable age of six or seven. Who, by the way, should not know the meaning of the slang anyway. But ya, some kids at 12 or 13 would probably snicker at hearing Santa say Ho... over and over again. Kids above the age of 15 wouldn't probably care at all.
But heck, Santa cant say Ho... It might insult adult women in Australia. Australia? Where they've got a bordello on the stock exchange? What's wrong with being called a Ho?
But when u come to think of it, it does change how u look at a lot of other things...
I wonder, how people can keep a straight face now when they go to Ho Chi Minh City... and does that mean Westward Ho is really about prostitutes in the old west? Oh wait. That was what Unforgiven was.
There was even a Westward Ho hotel which is now defunct. Wonder if it was the name that got to it. If this had been in any other country other than US, this might have happened...

Some cocky American (why are they always so cocky?) walks into the WHH and sashays (who sashays these days?) over to the reception...
Cocky American: So is this where the Westward Ho is?
Bored receptionist: ~yawn~ What do u think?
CA: Dont give me any attitude, scum. I got lots of it myself.
BR: ~yawn~ u want a room?
CA: Yes. and ur best Ho.
BR: Excuse me?
CA: Send me one of ur Hos...
BR: u want a hose?
CA: No...Ho! Ho! Ho! u numbskull...
BR: Oh! Merry christmas to u too...we'll send up our hotel Santa to ur room...
CA: What BS. I am leaving...


If u dont believe me, about the Santa thing.. here's the link

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Quote of the day

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Redd Foxx
US comedian (1922 - 1991)

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Life - in a few short words

There are times when I wonder.. I wonder about life? I wonder why I keep doing what I am doing? Am I happy? Is this all worth it? Why did Vidya Balan do Heyy Baby? Albus Dumbledore is gay?? I guess I get confused a lot and the only thing I have been able to figure out that the choices we make, define our life... *Sigh*...

But ever so often, there are some moments of clarity, when, viewing life in its entirety, its not as bad as I usually think it to be. The silver lining. But I think that's because of the booze... You know, the world will be a much better place with more drunk people. There might be a lot of drunken revelry and slurred speeches, but then everybody's happy, right? So, there'll be a hell of a mess to clean up, but everybody's.... happy?

Anyway, getting back to life... wait, no, it should be coming back to life...

Describing life is difficult, or even summarizing it in a few words is quite tough. Interestingly, there are people who have been able to do it in such a way, that it all makes sense. Without further explanation, I'll defer to wrecktangle who's summarized life quite succinctly...

"....Life –

1. Some friends.
2. Some alcohol.
3. Some music.
4. Some books.
5. Some movies.
6. Some things stay the same. Thank god for that."

There's more in that post and its really good. Link to the entire post.

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Ridin down the thoroughfare...

Cars whizzing by like crazy
in a bleary-eyed blur of reality
The roar of the engine
drowns the exhilarated silence
The rush of air around
subdues the breathless excitement
Whizzing past the standing-still
catching up with eternity...

Was aiming for a haiku but got carried away :-)

Let Sleeping Buddhas Lie

I tried to read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance... like three times. Every time I would start it off, after a certain while, I would just lose interest. Maybe it wasn't racy enough for my taste, or too deep that I couldn't take it anymore. I guess it depends on your mood when you can handle some deep introspection into the metaphysical nature of life or when all you are looking for is just sex...oops, I mean entertainment. Disastrous as it is, usually, my attempts at soul searching have always resulted in a lot of confused writing. But sometimes, if the topic is something that's really close to my heart, I end up with a little interesting piece of prose. Similar to the following...

Sleep.

A state of rest.
A feeling of complete relaxation.

Rejuvenation of the body and the soul.

Very addictive. So much that mornings become a pain.

Better in winters when you are under a blanket. When you slip your leg out from underneath the warmth and feel the cold and then snuggle back in. When you can feel the muscles in your body relax and feel like you never want to get up. Ever.

Horrible without air conditioning in summer. Sweat soaked and sticky. Smelly. You turn and turn hoping to get into some position where despite the heat, you might get some sleep.

Difficult in cramped spaces, hard mattresses, and without a pillow.
Difficult to, in planes, trains, cars and buses.

The best part of sleep is that its personal. Its only for me. My sleep is for me alone. I need to sleep. I cant give u my sleep, and neither can u have some of mine. But yawning, that's communal. Your yawn ends up setting off everybody...

Dozing off... One of those "hold-your-pee-until-u-burst" sort of situations, when trying to stay awake during some tedious class or conversation, you suddenly nod off. There's this small period of release where you are semi-conscious and you feel amazing. Then your head moves down and u wake up involuntarily. And you wish you could just doze off, right there.

Memories of good sleep makes u want to go back to sleep. The way you can snuggle up and feel so cozy that thinking of it makes me sleepy.

How, even when your day has been totally crappy, the thought that you can now close your eyes, and despite how hectic/panicky/life threatening the next day might be, you'll feel relaxed for a while.

How, when you have been keeping yourself awake for a really long time, your eyes become droopy and suddenly u feel like they r just too heavy to keep open.

Waking up, and realising it was just a dream...

Waking up, and realising its time to get up...

Sleep...